by AUSTIN ZHANG

Anatomy: the modern trademark of medicine. Yet this noble science has left its diligent followers a little… peckish?

Reports are spreading of a curious phenomenon, an overwhelming hunger during uni, solely affecting medical students. Forensic investigation has tracked the contagion to anatomy labs, whose preserving fluids are well known to have this effect. Yet it appears to have been putting off students in surprising ways.

“During anatomy, the only thing I can think about is food. But when there’s food, I can only think about anatomy.”

Michelle Inn is the most recent victim of this plague. She’s since found it impossible to concentrate during pracs.

“I instinctively salivate at the sight of a lab coat. At first, it only happened in the lab itself, but it’s only become worse… Sometimes, I’d accidentally doze off and dream I’m on Masterchef… I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve woken up looking for a cooktop.”

It’s bled into other parts of her life too, making a healthy work-life balance harder than ever.

“I was enjoying a chicken drumstick when I unconsciously began examining the muscle fibres for sarcomeres. It’s awful, I just can’t stop studying.” (Weird flex, but okay Michelle)

“It’s made my dating life impossibly difficult too. Just the other day, I was having lunch with this cutie, but as he spoke, I could only think about Kashwell and his prac videos… It’s not an image I want stuck in my head.” (No offence, Kent)

Is there any hope for these pitiable victims? Studies currently suggest these effects are only short-lived and will dissipate with time. It appears that by their second year, most medical students will have developed a form of immunity.

Various university programs have also been of assistance. “The free food on campus is great, really tames my cravings. And the Jugular is so sweet. Their Heart-to-Heart is just the best advice column.”

Where does that leave Michelle? With a bit of luck, her issues will self-resolve with time. We can only hope she’ll someday be finally allowed to enjoy her chicken in peace.

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