By Thulashigan Sreeharan

Doctors at a certain Western Sydney hospital are scratching their heads over the sudden disappearance of several hundred scrubs. Due to the shortage, surgeons have reportedly needed to perform major procedures wearing cooking aprons and lab coats.

Jugular reporters interviewed a senior staff member at the hospital. “This is an act of terrorism on hospital grounds,” they said, visibly upset.

According to the staff member, a similar phenomenon had occurred last year, with some scrubs returning a couple of days later. However, these are reported to have smelled of cask wine mixed with teenage hormones, and were covered in phallic imagery and “T-Series vs PewDiePie” references.

As a result, security has been tightened at the hospital, and doctors were found cowering inside storerooms, clutching onto their precious gowns. In this state of emergency, The Jugular decided to get the perspective of UNSW students in their hospital rotations.

“Yeah, it’s, uh… really weird,” said Max Baloney, a third-year student who was found sneaking into the wards at 1:00pm, wearing dark sunglasses and slightly rumpled clothes. 

When asked about the scrubs he was wearing to the recent pub crawl, Max was slow to answer. “The bar was giving them out for people to wear, so we don’t catch corona,” he pointed out eventually.

However, it seems catching coronavirus was the least of his concerns when deciding to scab his friends’ drinks before collapsing on a toilet seat at Side Bar.  

“Nah, it’s alright, I managed to sneak out a couple toilet rolls when the bouncer booted me,” he proudly claimed.

“And anyway, I really think that, with this new shortage, MedFac should be giving out free scrubs to us medical students.”

Both MedFac and the local Clinical Skills centre have indicated the unlikeliness of this happening, as resources of all types have been disappearing from their supply cabinets recently. 

“We’re even missing specimen jars and catheter bags, who on earth would steal those?” the receptionist wondered.

On hearing this, Max is reported to have spluttered and said, “Is that what they were for?! I wondered why they had lids on them!” Despite our reporters’ continued questions, Max then stormed off, muttering something about a goon bag and ‘those clear plastic shot-glasses.’ 

The Jugular will continue to investigate.

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