J.K Lolling reports.

“What a beautiful day… the clouds are gentle pillows enticing my tired cheek to rest upon them. The gentle patter of rainfall a newborn babe’s melodic lullaby.”

A lightning bolt strikes the fir, it immediately goes up in flames, despite the typhoon’s best efforts to extinguish it. Thunder shortly follows, threatening to shatter Wallace Wurth’s glass panels. Other students worriedly check their room’s windows, sanely watching the deluge from inside.

Unconcerned, Donald Blake sits in the midst of the downpour, an expression of absolute euphoria locked on his face. “I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated just how lucky I am. I have so much to be grateful for, I never even realised…” Don attempts to sigh, only to choke on the rain gathering in his upturned mouth.

Donald’s condition is only the most radical of changes that have come over the Medicine cohort. UNSW’s medical students have returned from the break with uncharacteristically high spirits. MedFac has not yet isolated the causative agent, but they are very anxious to put a stop to it.

“I know musculoskeletal anatomy is interesting, but they’re treating it like the rapture.” comments one anatomist. Other senior academics are concerned by potential contamination of the Wallace Wurth piping system. “I swear someone’s been stealing my opioids!” claims [redacted].

Suggestions have been raised that MedSoc could be to blame. Is this a new initiative by the Wellbeing team? Perhaps just the aftereffects of the gut-busting success of last week’s Great Debate? God forbid, has all the free food become too much, and sent to cohort into a chronic food coma? Your reporter, for one, sincerely hopes not and urges MedSoc to keep the food coming.

Brief interviews with several students paint a different picture:

“What a legend… He’s everything I want to be when I grow up.

“A literal saint. Capable of transforming my 67 WAM into an Honours degree.”

“I want him to be the father of my children.”

Smithy Boy, a little-known lecturer who’s the talk of the town. Responsible for convening 4th year and author of the new Hons policy, he’s become a local hero to med students all over. Word of his deeds has gone as far as Sutherland, breathing new life into students’ failing lungs.

“My stress is completely gone. More effective than any counselling.”

“I feel free and as light as a feather.”

“Is he married?”

No more arbitrary quotas. Increased opportunities. Less external pressure to academically perform. Should it really come as any surprise that the cohort is in such high spirits?

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