By Sarah Lin; Edited by Katerina Theocharus

With the COVID-19 pandemic progressively worsening both in Victoria and in Australia, we have been exposed to daily reports of soaring case numbers, increasing death rates, and ever-decreasing number of pubs open. While these are all extremely important, they have distracted us from recognising an emerging danger facing our most vulnerable population – the medical students of Australia. As the rest of Australia battles the COVID crisis, med students are fighting their own pandemic – the pandemic of stupidity.

Take a look at this multiple choice question from a prestigious medical school’s recent open-book online exam:

A patient presents with a 3 day history of pain and tenderness in his upper limbs. On further inquiry, it is discovered he has been lifting weights for 16 hours on a daily basis, as he is bored in self-isolation and “wants to become massive”.

What is the most likely diagnosis?

a. Coronavirus

b. COVID-19

c. SARS-CoV-2

d. Muscle strain

More than 90% of medical students chose (a). 

Now here’s the next question – From a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being very unlikely and 10 being very likely, how likely is it that these future doctors are going to be sued?

The answer is obvious: 12/10.

This is the scenario dreaded by med students, professors, faculties and universities globally. “Transferring courses online has cost med students many valuable opportunities and hours of exposure to labs, hospitals and clinical settings. Without the crucial skills taught in these settings, how will they go on to become doctors in the future?” questions Professor Berry Belan.

To combat this, enthusiastic medical students from all over Australia have joined forces, banding together their youthful spirits, fiery passion, unbeatable determination, and shattered record of HDs to form the Royal Australasian Association of COVID-Impacted Doctors (RAARonaDr).

The association aims to generate awareness and support for those who have had their motivation medical studies severely damaged by coronavirus. Memberships to RAARonaDr are already on offer, with a streamlined application process limited to an online Buzzfeed-style quiz. Services provided by the association include private access to Professor Tiles Sailor’s clinical skills tutorials, a thorough collection of notes definitely not copied-and-pasted from WebMD, and a robust medicolegal team to handle allegations of incompetence that is definitely, definitely not, composed of Year 11 Legal Studies students.

The Jugular calls out to all UNSW medical students to consider grasping this inimitable opportunity to avoid getting sued in the future mitigate the impact of COVID-19 on our medical studies. 

Never again will you have to feel guilty about missing lectures and practicals! Never again worry about finding that carotid pulse on your arm! Forget all about PLATO, PYTHAGORAS, ARISTOTLE, and the Royal Australiasian Colleges of Surgeons, Physicians, or General Practitioners! 

It’s time to say goodbye to all your textbooks and notes, sign up to RAARonaDr, and say hello to the endless new chances that it provides.


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