10 am. 25th July. A singular student collapses in Clancy auditorium. A moment passes, her classmates follow. A wave ripples upwards through the masses as 2nd years everywhere succumb to its effects. What could possibly have caused this? Malaria? The flu? A particularly hard Gibson lecture?

The opened email suggests otherwise: “…you have been allocated to SUTHERLUND.”

Those poor souls. God help them.

The shockwaves stemming from the aftermath have seemed to jolt students out of their habitual, altruistic “we’re all just a big, wonderful Med fam, bro” temperament into frantic, histrionic beings of self-interest.  Some of this crazed energy has been channelled into something some might describe as “just a tad bit too far”. Overnight, Facebook experienced a 20x surge in traffic as med students tried everything in their power to procure favourable swaps: cold-calls, paid advertising, Youtube channel sponsorships. Propaganda firms have been hired to promote even the most desolate of campuses. Never before has St G hospital ranked so high on Google.

Klin Gee took this logic to the inevitable extreme, hiring an overseas call centre to pester colleagues on his behalf. “I just wanted to be with all my friends next year. Naturally, I had to get my hands on a supercomputer, server farm, and a couple of Chinese click factories. I’m sure everyone else did the same.”

“This ended up costing my parents their retirement fund, but I’m sure they’ll understand. As MLP has taught us all, nothing is more valuable than friendship.” Said friends have refused to comment on this claim.

However at the end of the day, no matter how hard we strive, an unfortunate few must end up going to Grif-*redacted*.  Anne Luggy is one such individual. Ever since receiving the fateful news, she’s simply tried her best to come to peace with the trauma. An hour’s meditation every day and weekly therapy sessions have done wonders. Nowadays she contents herself wandering through the corridors of Wallace Wurth, making some final memories of her former home.

The rest of the cohort appear to share her pessimistic assessment of the situation. The executive board of the representative student society have announced a period of grieving for Anne and her colleagues. Full mourning dress is expected, as a show of support and respect for the great sacrifice they have made. Most of the cohort, including many staff, are expected to participate.

What lies in the future for Anne and her unfortunate companions? Only time can tell. A miracle may always happen. But while we may not be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, even the smallest bit helps:

www.gofundme.com/help-abandoned-Grif-*redacted*-kids

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