Written by AUSTIN ZHANG

With the reopening of term, uni students are rushing back to school, growing their knowledge at a pace even a toddler could be proud of. But on upper campus, a particular student population appears to be failing to thrive. What could be causing their developmental delay? Mile Stones reports.

Despite the cheery green exterior of Wallace Wurth, a frigid atmosphere permeates its lower floors. The occasional laugh from a hapless intruder is soon silenced by the glare of vampires med students. Their fierce activity must not be disturbed, at the cost of any who cross their paths…

Every eight weeks, a remarkable transformation takes over the Medicine cohort. Formerly confident, well-rounded individuals seem to regress, forgetting their basic communicative and social skills. Many become capable of only reciting phrases inscribed on Anki cards, reportedly sourced from an entity known as the ‘Anki King’. They lose their capacity to interact and withdraw from all social engagements. Particularly severe cases can disappear from the university community altogether.

These signs are not isolated. Affected individuals develop a fascination with files known as ‘Chang’s Notes’, endlessly poring over its unintelligible argot. Their surfing habits similarly neglect Facebook, instead perusing Mark Hill’s embryology wiki. All former hobbies and interests are discarded by the wayside, to allow more time for these newfound obsessions.

Paradoxically, family members report much higher levels of recent affection. “Just yesterday she spent an entire evening playing with my nine-month-old,” commented one startled, yet delighted mother. These actions are not without their ulterior motives, however. “…there were a lot of uncomfortable questions about my pregnancy… and she seemed particularly interested in measuring little Johnny.”

Among every group, there are exceptions. Those who have managed to avoid this developmental decline have changed in other ways. Some are found wandering around campus, muttering to themselves. Bystanders can occasionally overhear “P’s get MD’s…” echoing throughout corridors. Others appear to busy themselves with extracurricular activities, writing satire articles to avoid the stress of studying…

What might lie in the future for this vulnerable student group? Fortunately, this condition appears reversible, resolving itself soon after the end of the term. However, studies suggest relapse is common, ending only with graduation. With no treatment or cure in sight, we can only hope for the best in all their future struggles.

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