Written by Mansimran Loyal; Edited by Katerina Theocharous

When first-year student Mike Wazowski logged onto Teams last Friday, he was sure that he was about to experience an ordinary clinical skills session, an ordinary attempt at history-taking, and ordinary feedback consisting of straight Ps and a 2-word comment, probably ‘good job’. Instead, a series of events transpired that shocked him deeply and turned his understanding of the human psyche upside-down, and left him with two traumatic souvenirs – his first P- grade, and a comment that he would actually have to explain in his portfolio.

“Hey Mike,” the offending tutor said, “good job! Overall, you did fine, but you can improve the way in which you treat patients. I feel as if you were too controlling during the history, and you came across as very cold. When a patient is talking, PLEASE refrain from interrupting them or cutting them off. Also, asking too many closed questions can prevent you from gathering all the information you need.”

Mike sat still in his chair and forced a slight smile, staring at the MBTI chart behind his laptop. The tutor most definitely did not know he was an INTJ, the most alpha of all MBTI types. In a cold, somewhat sarcastic tone of voice, he corrected this travesty: 

“Miss, I think it’s pretty easy to explain my flaws once you understand that I am an INTJ. I only know how to be analytical and controlling, well, that’s what all the Quora forums told me anyways.”

“Mike, I don’t think you can blame a lack of empathy on your MBTI type. Also, you do know that MBTI tests are incredibly inaccurate … right?”

Mike sat upright, his heart racing, palms sweating, blood boiling. Not only did she display utter disregard for his typing, but she was a complete non-believer in the Myers-Briggs test! It was worse than being an anti-vaxxer!

However, Mike knew he couldn’t lash out – he was an INTJ, after all. It was simply in his nature to remain emotionless and robotic.

 “Well Miss, you see, my MBTI type is not just a test result, it’s an assessment of personality. As an INTJ, that means no emotion or interpersonal connection, and I must remain analytical at all times.”

“Well Michael, that attitude is not going to help you be a better doctor. Your INTJ typing doesn’t define you, it’s just like astrological star signs. Both are pseudoscience and nothing more.”

First the MBTI test, and now astrological star signs??!! Mike had heard enough, and his pent-up anger finally revealed itself – “That’s it! You must be an ESFJ, since you clearly cannot comprehend the significance of both the MBTI test and star signs!”

And with that, Mike exited the Teams call and slammed his laptop shut.

It was only later, as Mike reflected on the history-taking session, that a wicked thought struck him. Mike had unquestionably shown behaviours of anger towards his tutor just now. Had he just demonstrated… emotion?

The concept shook Mike to his core. Emotion should be an impossible concept for an INTJ such as himself! To reassure himself, he sat another online MBTI test, only to get a different result:

ISFP.

‘No’, Mike thought to himself, panic mounting. ‘That can’t be right. I am an INTJ, not an emotionally unstable ISFP. What if I try one more test – ?’

After 45 minutes, 2 sets of controlled breathing exercises, and 93 questions, Mike was told he was an ESFJ. ‘What! This can’t be! What if I try just one more-’

To the knowledge of the Jugular, Mike was last seen pacing circles around his bedroom with dishevelled hair, muttering about what kind of psychiatric disorder could cause a person to have 14 different MBTI types. A series of posted notes was seen on his wall containing cryptic phrases, such as ‘IT’S A CONSPIRACY’, ‘CAN I NEGOTIATE AN ASSIGNMENT ON THIS’ and ‘IS MERCURY IN RETROGRADE’. The Jugular will continue to investigate. 

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