written by SHIRIN SHABAN (edited by JONATHAN CHENG)

Tumbleweeds were spotted this week across lower campus with signs of life at UNSW reduced to all but Phase 1 medical students and those weird amoebas that study ahead in their uni breaks. The university’s first-ever trimester came to a spectacular end almost two weeks ago, causing regular students to recede into their warm beds to watch hours of Netflix, acquire vitamin D deficiency and bask in the comfort of their break. There was a rise in complaints about a select few students who concluded their exam periods early and gloated about their superior 3 week break while some caffeine-hopped peers were still drowning themselves into the textbooks deep into the night.

Jugular reporters today caught up with a first-year medical student, Natasha Wormwood, after overhearing her in the 891 bus line complaining about having to attend uni while her friends were out partying.

“It’s just not fair, you know? We’re basically slaving our lives away while everyone else gets a nice long holiday.” Wormwood lamented, “Do you know how much travelling you could do in three weeks?”

“Say what!? Come again?” she responded when asked whether she thought that doing multiple assignments and having an exam-block in a ten-week period made non-medical students more deserving of a potentially longer break. Reporters agreed they observed a visible shudder pass through her body with this alarming news.

Natasha was last seen in her Embryology tutorial scrolling through her friends’ snapchat stories from their latest Japan trip.

Aaron Li, a second year, admitted that “It sucks having to explain to my high school friends that medical students don’t get breaks like the rest of the uni. We’re basically forced to hang out exclusively with other medical students… we just have no chance of a social life.” Mr Li conveniently omitted the fact that the medical faculty’s breaks have previously never perfectly aligned with other degrees.

When asked about why he couldn’t organise seeing his friends over the weekend, Li confessed he saved that time for playing League, “I need to play League, let off some steam… you know??”

Not all medical students are dismayed about being left out of the recent restructuring of the UNSW academic year. Catherine Bean, also in second year, approached Jugular reporters upon learning they were reporting on trimesters.

“I think as medical students we need to be really grateful for maintaining our current structure. I, for one, cannot imagine having to do nine courses each year. More than one exam in a week? Multiple times a year? Yeah, no thanks. My last two brain cells could not handle that level of stress.”

Seeking to see if the naivety improved with age, reporters approached fifth year Matthew Tran who confessed he had yet to understand how attainment in other uni degrees worked.

“I don’t really get how people in different degrees have classes together… like how do you know who’s in your cohort? What the fuck is a major? The way UNSW handles other degrees is honestly so whack.”

In other news, this week MedFac observed record numbers of late arrivals to 3-5pm scenario group sessions. Students received an email on the issue and a warning about attending their classes on time. Random cohort studies have shown that the uptick in lateness is directly correlated with an absence of 891 buses running from Central station past 11:55am.

As the lines at UNSW food establishments dwindle and the 891 line begins to consist almost exclusively of first and second-year medical students, Jugular reporters urge their medical peers to count their lucky stars that their lives remain untarnished by the UNSW trimester system.

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