Disaster strikes today as freshly-graduated medical student Dr Hugh Jarse M.D., who was seen having a breakdown outside Wallace Wurth just this morning, realises he has gone through an astonishing six years of medical school without making a single friend. The alleged reason? Confidential sources suggest that the root of this tragedy is the incriminating fact that Jarse failed to attend Medcamp in his first year, robbing him of the skills required to maintain meaningful relationships.

“If only I knew earlier that the Foundies assignment didn’t count, I would have been able to attend Medcamp and experience what I’ve been missing all these years: the warmth of another human being… I often wonder what that feels like,” said Jarse when questioned, staring longingly at a circle of students congregated on the lawn. From that moment on, The Jugular interviewing team felt it best to keep a reasonable distance from Jarse.

Coincidentally, there have been increasing reports that Medcamp attendance correlates with success in later life, with 80% of medical students who attended Medcamp going on to be accepted into the specialty of their choosing. With this in mind, Jarse’s future prospects are beginning to look grim, his supervisor stating that “Jarse’s clinical skills are subpar, patients do not feel at ease around him and his colleagues either ignore him or regard him with a mix of condescension and mild disgust.”

Though Jarse recalled that he had made a friend in the first two weeks of first year, said friend was nowhere to be seen after attending Medcamp and surrounding himself with a solid and loyal support group that has taken him through his years as a student. When pressed, the friend (who refuses to be named) said he “might slightly remember a Hugh, but who knows?”

When asked to comment on Jarse’s situation, The Jugular was met with confusion from his fellow students with whom he supposedly spent 6 years, most commenting a combination of “I’m sorry, who?”, “Nah, don’t know him”, and “Huh, doesn’t he do med sci?”

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