Written by AUSTIN ZHANG

In the upper echelons of Wallace Wurth, in a room unbeknownst to mere mortals, the fates of each year’s Medicine applicants are decided. But the forces act in mysterious, and sometimes inexplicable ways.

Axe Traordinaire, a high school leaver, agreed to sit down with us for a brief interview.

“Axe, why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself?

The name’s Axe Traordinaire: academic juggernaut, athletic prodigy and every ladies’ dream man. What else is there to say?

Tell us what happened to you.

I’m sure you all think you know the story. I applied. I didn’t get in.

It’s not that clear cut though. Have you seen my CV? It’s simply glorious. Magnificent. Two-time Olympic gold medallist. CEO of my own billion-dollar start-up. And 2000 hours of volunteering to boot. What’s not to love?

Yet against all odds, I’m sitting out here, a diamond in the rough. I’ve got no idea what went wrong with the selection process.

Surely you have some guesses?

There’re not many things I can think of. Corruption? Maybe they felt threatened by my success.

Honestly though, I did everything fantastically. My interview was nothing short of perfection. I was confident and completely authentic, with nothing to hide. I’d prepared for everything they threw at me.

“Motivation?” Prestige. “Weakness?” Don’t make me laugh. “Future specialty?” I’m founding a new one: paediatric neuro-orthopaedic surgery.

I just don’t know what could have gone wrong…

…I can’t imagine why they didn’t accept you. Do you have any plans to move on from this?

Well… I’m playing golf with Bill next weekend to discuss some plans with his Foundation, and I also need to train for the upcoming Iron Man Challenge. But I think I’m gonna need some more time to fully process this shocking setback.

I mean, what were they thinking? Did they see my ATAR? Maybe they misread it… Did they know I was prefect? AND debating captain! What on EARTH were those imbeciles thinking? HOW DARE THEY! Those [censored] [censored] [censored] pieces of [censored] [censored].”

Axe was shortly removed by security.

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