On a bright, chirpy Monday morning heralding the start of a new semester The Jugular’s reporters were astonished to discover an empty Clancy Auditorium. Mysteriously last night was also the World Cup Final, which saw the French storming the Luzhniki Stadium a la Bastille Day. What cosmic force links these two momentous events, we’re not entirely sure.

Closer inspection revealed two people sitting in the front row, armed with a list of questions to ask their lecturer. They were astonished when told the answers could be found on the lecture slides. One person sitting in the shadowy back appeared to be intently browsing through The Iconic.

The lecturer, Prof Richard Biggus, said, “No wonder this generation can’t afford to buy houses. Too busy sleeping or eating avocados. Fifty years I’ve been delivering this lecture and each year attendance keeps falling.” When asked what changes he’d made to his teaching style and lecture slides over the years, he appeared to be astonished at the suggestion.

Signs of life were finally detected in Wallace Wurth close to 1pm. We approached one sleepy-eyed group of first-years who appeared to be in their pyjamas and asked their thoughts on the situation.

“Absolutely outrageous. Should never have happened. They need to review this and take action.”

“Hear, hear,” they chorused. “France never deserved that penalty.”

We politely informed them we were not discussing the Final.

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