By Sarah Lin; Edited by Katerina Theocharous

Kitty Dok, a 7th year student, has recently revealed that she is quitting her medical studies in order to devote herself to the art of TikTok. The Jugular conducted an interview to investigate the mysterious past of the new TikTok star.

Q. Why did you quit med?

“Easy. My brain had had enough. It was getting, like, serious self-recognition issues, for some reason? I just couldn’t get my brain to understand the brain! Or maybe if I didn’t spend all my brain space learning French from watching Emily in Paris, I would probably be more interested. Can you diagnose me?”

Q. Unfortunately, that’s out of my capabilities. What I can do is ask you questions and report the answers to my editor. Can you tell me about how you started on TikTok?.

“Well, it started like two years ago, when I was first introduced to TikTok by my friends. They were filming the ‘Kiki Challenge’ and tbh, it was very painful to see how pathetic their attempt was.”

Q. I’m sorry to hear that. Can you describe the pain more for me?

“It was this dull harsh pain on the side of my temples, and it made me want to pierce my own eyes. So I decided to film my own TikTok video. That was the start of my stardom, a solid 10 views and 2 likes!”

Q. What do your videos consist of?

“Mainly just lip-syncs and costume changes. My most popular one is the ‘karma is a b****’, I’m just so trendy! Wanna see?

Q. No, thanks. Tell me about your future plans?

“Success.”

Q. Um, okay… can you tell me more about that?

“Well, I’m already famous, but I am missing one crucial follower to reach celebrity status. I’ve got 999 followers, and once I reach 1000, I will be making my Hollywood debut under another brand new, snazzy name. I specifically picked out Angelina, since it just screams talent and success. Oi, all the directors out there, feel free to cast me anytime!”

Q. Wait, Kitty isn’t your real name?

“Nah, that’s my name for TikTok fame, inspired by my role model and spiritual pillar, Hello Kitty. My previous doctor name was Barbara, but if I make an entrance into Hollywood, I would need a more prestigious name to match my status. My real name is Lady Jane Smith of Sutherland Shire.

Q. Right, okay. Speaking of – 

“Yo, hold that thought. Can you help me film a video? I can’t decide between doing the Ghost Pepper Challenge or the Vogue Challenge, so you choose one. Maybe look at some videos from others to get some artistic inspiration!”

Interview transcription ceases here, as the Jugular reporter proceeded to help Kitty with behind-the-scenes filming decisions. After reviewing many TikTok challenges, they did not find any inspiration, but they did find themselves in the emergency department with tension headache, chili burns, difficulty recalling their own name, and a total absence of any intrinsic motivation. They have been diagnosed with TikTok Overexposure Syndrome.

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