written by JESS SAWANG

A recurrent infection of the ‘I didn’t study for EOC, I swear!’ virus has reportedly swept, once again, through the UNSW cohort of medical students as EOC exams approach. Characterised by constant interjections of “I’m so screwed, I haven’t studied at all!” into conversations completely unrelated to academics, even when secretly being caught up on most of the content, studies have shown that 1 in 3 medical students suffer from this affliction.

The Jugular investigates a particularly severe case in Vyard Fellex, who was anonymously reported by her peers who claimed to be “sick of her whining all the time about how she’s so unprepared for EOC when I literally haven’t watched a lecture since the scenario plenary”.

It is 11:30 am, half an hour after lectures have ended, and the Jugular team observes Fellex in what seems to be her natural habitat. She is surrounded by a plethora of notes colour-coded in pastel highlighters and pens imported from Japan, furiously annotating her 10cm tall stack of embryology notes in perfect handwriting that could easily be mistaken for font.

As we approach, Fellex, without any prompts, happily launches into a half an hour monologue detailing how far behind she is and will for sure end up with a fail, all because she spent 60 hours watching conspiracy videos of the James vs Tati feud, instead of ‘grinding’ at Hurstville library. At the end, she pauses, as though waiting for affirmation or reassurance. Unfortunately, not even the Jugular team is immune to this particular virus, with a member having to be physically held back from joining in on Fellex’s lamentation of her terrible study habits. The member’s desperate cries of “Same! I haven’t even started-” were promptly smothered with Fellex’s notes and our lead reporter’s hand.

When questioned about the accuracy of some of her statements, due to the abundance of hand-written notes that covered every inch of the library table, Fellex sweeps the notes to the floor and attempts to kick them out of sight, assuredly stating, “Those notes? Oh, they’re just Chang’s notes printed out. I haven’t even managed to get a glimpse of them, promise!”

That would almost be believable, had the Jugular team not noticed the very prominent “Vyard Fellex” stamped in the header of all her notes – a testament to her truly studious tendencies of making her own notes – before they were unceremoniously shoved under the table.

Even after the Jugular team left, witnesses reported that Fellex continued telling everyone within a fifty-meter radius about her lack of study habits. Even when everyone had vacated the library, Fellex resorted to talking at a sleeping student on a beanbag about the deficiencies of her knowledge.

The manner in which Fellex, and countless others, desperately plead with acquaintances, and even complete strangers, to believe and pity their absolute lack of preparation has shown no signs of slowing down. One can only hope for a miracle cure that will put an end to this miserable and seasonal pandemic that always sweeps through the cohort at the end of each teaching period.

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