Hypochondriac Med Student Pretty Sure He Has All The Things

Sam Winters, 20, has found the pathology aspect of his medical degree particularly troubling, with all signs pointing towards the fact that he is seriously ill, though his specific ailment remains a mystery.

“The symptoms check out,” he told us, gesturing to the many tabs open on his laptop. “Between the nausea and bloating and fatigue, I could have anything from kidney disease to pregnancy. All I know for sure is that I’m dying.”

After studying Society & Health, Sam reports he was suddenly overcome with an illness which he believes to have been influenza, despite his doctor’s assertions that he had what’s referred to in the medical profession as ‘manflu’.

“I’m not an idiot. I don’t use WebMD or anything, only government sites.” He noted that sites like healthdirect.gov.au were generally quite informative, having aided many of his self-diagnoses. “Actually, though, Wikipedia’s pretty damn good. I found out about Lupus from there.”

After a recent tutorial on colorectal cancer, Sam reports he began noticing persistent nausea and a worrying sharp pain in his lower abdomen. He was unable to pinpoint the site of the pain but assured us it “feels like something is bleeding in there”.

“I’ve also noticed a lot of mucus in my throat lately,” Sam told The Jugular, “and I’m pretty sure I can feel my lymph nodes, which could mean any assortment of cancers or autoimmune diseases, but I don’t want to jump the gun.” A bystanding medical student who offered to perform a quick lymph node examination revealed that Sam appeared to be confusing palpable lymph nodes with a large pimple on the back of his neck.

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