Last Thursday, Honours student Jack Waters was seen hanging out in the beer garden of the roundhouse for the 2nd time in his entire university degree. Sources tell The Jugular that Jack is renowned for his 94% WAM, placing him 2nd in his cohort. Typically, he spends his Thursday evenings reading the latest editions to the New England Medical Journal while many of his peers enjoy The Whitehouse’s happy hour deals.

Our team caught him chatting to some 1st years who were decompressing after having finally completed their extremely arduous Foundies course. The group claimed to have been debating whether the G-Protein Coupled Receptor had 6 or 7 trans-membrane proteins when Jack approached them with unsolicited advice.

“Don’t sweat it guys, P’s get the degrees,” he preached while awkwardly holding a beer in his left hand. “You want to hit as close to 50% as you can. Don’t even bother using textbooks. Just read Bonita’s notes once and then do some past papers. Plus, there are always supplementary exams. It’ basically impossible to fail and Honours are mostly useless anyways.”

When pressed for more information about supplementary exams, he appeared flustered and clueless.

Jack left the first-years with his favourite joke, “What do you call a medical student who gets 51% in his final exam?… A doctor.”

“It’s getting late, I might head back,” he said at 5pm. He left his half-finished light beer on the table.

Although tentatively hopeful, the first-years admitted Jack’s reassuring advice would probably soon be forgotten. Indeed, when our team followed up with them early in their BGDA course, the group was found collectively poring over full-price embryology textbooks, fretfully trying to memorise key features in the second trimester of foetal development. One student said, “If I ever see another wiki page, I might genuinely have a nervous breakdown and die.”

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