By Geraldine Yang; Edited by Yaron Gu

Local first-year medical student, Nate Shen, has made headlines by doing literally everything in his will to avoid catching up on uni work – inadvertently finding the cure for cancer in the process. 

Nate, who lives by the motto “If you wait until the last minute, it’ll only take a minute to do”, was just a regular medical student – albeit one with questionable time-management skills. But on one fateful Friday, everything changed.

As usual, Nate was ignoring his responsibilities by online shopping for things he couldn’t afford and frankly didn’t need. That is, until, he was rudely interrupted by the all-too-familiar buzz of his phone, undoubtedly from the year group’s Messenger chat. It was only then that he realised the EOC was less than a week away. With several whole scenarios full of lectures left untouched, Nate knew what he had to do: not his work, but rather, literally anything else that would allow him to put off his studying for another day.

“In some aspects, having a month’s worth of unwatched lectures was actually the final push I needed for me to make a change to my life. Not necessarily a productive change, but definitely, uh, a change.” Nate remarked. “Being that behind on uni work was a big wake up call for me. Like, what am I doing with my life? And it was pretty confronting to realise that I still hadn’t watched the scenario plenary from week 1. In week 7.” 

“So, I did the only logical thing I could in that situation: procrastinate by ticking off the entirety of my bucket list.”

In only a few hours, Nate had managed to download 50 anki add-ons, deep-clean his entire house and learn to play the guitar. By the next day, he had hiked the entirety of Kosciuszko National Park, citing a sudden “surge in productivity” as the source of his newfound athletic talent. The day after that, he discovered the cure for cancer. 

Nate’s discovery stunned researchers and medical professionals worldwide, with many deeming his ability to negate literal centuries of highly controlled scientific research with one night of intense procrastination as “irrational”, “ridiculous” and simply “impossible”. “Logically, there is no way this should be possible,” decried world-renowned scientist, Dr Anderson, “How can one night of boredom-fuelled research by a first-year medical student be enough to develop a cure to every cancer known to man? He doesn’t even know what half of them are!” 

Jealous haters aside, Nate’s findings have made waves in the medical community, with more and more evidence attesting to the efficacy of his proposed treatment methods. “What can I say?”, the student declared, “Every figure of eminence has their haters: Socrates, Taylor Swift, Elmo – but they don’t let it get to them.” Scientists estimate that the student’s findings may have single-handedly extended the average human lifespan by a whopping 2 years, reshaping the face of modern medicine as we know it. 

Despite this Herculean discovery, Nate remains cool and composed, seemingly unaffected by the fact that he accomplished a lifetime’s worth of achievements over the course of 48 hours. When asked if he ever planned on watching his lectures, he stared at us in disbelief. “Pshhh. No way. I’ll need a little more motivation than THAT.”

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